I Can’t Pass On What I Don’t Have
7/27/08 Reflections I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been mad at God for not helping my brother when he was in trouble; for letting him suffer and die alone. But mostly I’m trying to get over the unfairness of my 93-year-old mother being hurt this badly. I’m supposed to be the spiritual guide, but when the time came, I had no explanations and no defense. I actually heard myself say in helplessness: “I’m ashamed of God for this”.
Clearly, I still haven’t given over everything to God and because of that, I’m not fully receiving the Holy Spirit and the measure of understanding I want to be gifted with. And because of that I’m not able to pass it on as I wanted.
But then the demands on me are lifted for a few moments, and I find myself alone in prayer as before, enjoying the relationship with God that He’s allowed me. I find that I do have the understanding I need, but that in this case it isn’t given for me to be able to pass it along to others who need it. At least for now. I must accept that. Even though it’s most important for me to spread the joy of spiritual virtues at this time, that is my desire and not God’s. That is not in His plan; therefore it’s not needed and I should get over it. As the days go by and things start to get better, I am more able to release the “humanness” that took me over just when I most needed “Godliness”.
I’m starting to return to the awareness of the presence of God that’s been cultivating in me and sustaining me. It’s all unfolding according to the way God wants it. Soon I will see the wisdom in what He did, and maybe convey that in a productive way.
