The Light in the Woods

1/31/10 Reflections          I’ve been thinking a lot about the children’s ward lately — about how it tested my faith in God’s mercy plan, and how it returned me to my faith tenfold over the years through the deep peace of supernatural insight.

While visiting my brother, who was bedridden with multiple sclerosis and in a nursing home, it was necessary for my other brother and I to go to the office on some business. The home was doing some renovations, which made us have to detour through the children’s ward to get to the office. As we were admitted we were told walk straight through, not to interact, and to make as little as noise as possible so as to not disturb the children.

What I saw in the children’s ward is almost beyond description. There were small misshapen bodies in all sorts of contortions; blank expressions on faces that didn’t look like humanity so much as things closeted away until no longer needing care. Their beds or wheelchairs lined both sides of the hallway — as we walked the gauntlet of unspeakable aberrations, in the midst of what the coldest-hearted human would call insufferable, there wasn’t any noise; just the silence of tolerated existence.

When we finally got through the opposite doorway, I told my brother this was a real test of my faith, which depends on the love of God for all His creation. It did one thing, though – it caused me to keep coming back to reflect on what little I know of God’s reasoning, and how I can only believe that what He does He does for our good. Then slowly the lesson of the children’s ward was taught to me within my spirit, and has given me a deeper, more peaceful intuition of the working of God’s love than I think I could have ever had without the experience.

I see now that we cannot care for each other properly. No matter how dire the circumstances and how tirelessly we work for our fellow human beings, we cannot give them what they truly need. Only God can do that. The most dedicated nurse on the children’s ward can only comfort the bodies of the children, and help them remain emotionally neutral.

Their bodies may be decimated, but who knows what they’re seeing inside? Only God can offer that comfort, and somehow I’ve come away with complete assurance that He does. Behind those distorted shells, could the children be experiencing the golden glowing joy of God’s perfect love as do those who have already passed on into His kingdom? If real meaning only exists in another world where God is the only god and our spirits gather Him fully and ecstatically, could those that are physically dependent and mentally unencumbered with worldly priorities be blessed with heavenly bliss here on Earth and unable to tell of it?

In fact, I’ve come into the knowledge that those children are experiencing the beauty of God the way God meant humans to experience Him — how we all would if our minds and bodies were disabled and given over solely to God’s care. In this condition of having nothing else, we enjoy the one thing we do have, unconditionally and without fail — the love of God.

Mystics are able to see the logic of their detachment from the world and negations of self-interest. To them the loss of selfhood is not debilitation so much as essential to experiencing something much better and closer to God’s desires. And those who study the Bible know well the scriptural plea for decreasing so they may increase, giving up all they have and following, taking no scrip for the journey, becoming like little children, the last being first, choosing the good part, letting them deny themselves, taking up the cross, losing their life for God’s sake, having their treasure in heaven, being poor in spirit, crying in the wilderness, the stone the builders rejected, casting in all they had, taking the lowest seat at the feast, seeking the kingdom of God, and entering at the narrow gate.

God should like us to be what we were at creation, before free-will and the sin and suffering that comes from it. For truth, that’s the state He has planned for us to return to in glory. Now, in the world, the independence we asked for has become a thing of strife. The only way to alleviate it is to allow ourselves to become totally dependent on God again so we may look upon His kingdom with joy and hope.

In the children’s ward this has been done for them and they live in the perfect presence of God without effort. Only those who give too much credence to the world and how we perceive it will miss completely what I missed momentarily – that the only thing that matters is the love of God, and whatever state we are in that we can perceive this love the most is the best state to be in. In the measure that we can’t assimilate this, we suffer from our lack of perception. That, then, is true and needless suffering.

I’m not suggesting that those who take care of the residents of the children’s ward don’t provide a heroic service – the need for care of these children’s bodies and emotions is enormous, and I hope for the caregivers’ sake that part of their compensation is the feeling of being blessed to be near these special temples of God’s love. But I am confident that God makes up for suffering by opening up the spirit to supernatural consolation. And this, being the better part, is what God encourages for all of us by our offering of our very selves to Him — a disabling of the ego so as to make His love our spiritual sustenance.

Mystic vision is not apparitions caught by our human senses. Mystic vision is the ability to see things as God sees them; a gift given because we want it badly and allow it freely. Through mystic vision we are able to “know properly” — not the things of this world but the reality of this world as seen from a higher plane. This is a comfort not only to the residents of the children’s ward, but to anyone who can learn exactly what it is they are experiencing. What we can know of God comes down to one necessary specific – that when we seek God we see Him, because that’s what we were made for. And when we see Him we know at once that no matter who we are, or how we look, or what we have or don’t have, without His love we would be nothing and with His love we are everything.

1/17/10 Insights from Prayer               If you often start to question what you think you believe of life, that’s not a cause of despair but of celebration. For at least a few moments you have lifted your eyes from the inane preoccupation of whatever feeds your ego, and placed them squarely upon a place where they might at last truly see.

When you ponder what you think of God and His works, you could test your beliefs this way: Think of all the alternate possibilities in life and see if what you believe of God can hold true when looked at from a wholly different perspective.

Alien lifeforms, other universes, altered mind-states, past lives, lost worlds – if your idea of God can exist steadfast no matter how creation can be envisioned, then truly He is the master planner.

I don’t know what this means; I’m just writing down what was given to me.

11/27/09 Insights from Prayer          I’m always despairing over my lack of compassion. Last night it came to me that if, as I profess, I only want what God wants, I should be patient and trust that He leads me to compassion, even if it doesn’t seem like I’m anything other than unnecessary.

When I give money to charities, I’m still left emotionally flatlined. When I pray for others I feel fulfilled, yet only momentarily. My lifestyle is such that I seldom have an opportunity to connect with others. But when I write what comes so effortlessly to my mind when I’m enjoying the presence of God, only then is there the feeling that I do have something to do that’s purposeful.

How else will I know what is right for me unless I examine my feelings when I do it? We are all different – some contribute one way and some contribute another. My focus must be that if I truly live to love and honor God, whatever means speaks to that end must have God’s approval, no matter how it looks to me or fits in with what others are doing.

If God’s wish is mine, I should not be afraid to allow myself approval as well. In this state, I should have enough discernment to know that God is only goodness and so must be my motives and actions. I cannot rate myself on any other scale, because then I will be a victim of spiritual confusion.

11/12/09 Inspirations              Imagine if there was no such thing as time or space. You would look out on the world from where you stand and say to yourself — ”This is what is. What is here and now is everything there is, just as it is.”

That’s the way things are in Reality – in God’s kingdom, the world as it is without the scales that cover our eyes. In God’s kingdom, this eternity – life without time or space – is the beautiful sum of God’s love. But to us, infinity is frightening because we have become used to the illusion of time and space, and we cannot really imagine existence without them.

And so we try to imagine heaven but fail in that we keep returning to the earthly measurements of time and space. “OK, so there’s heaven and it’s wonderful and it never ends. Except, everything must have an end!” No, just when you’ve expanded your mind to include a life that goes on forever, you’re already imagining the end that must come. You circle around infinity, trying to both embrace and erase within your understanding the concept of endlessness, but you can’t do it, and this frightens you to the point where you can no longer contemplate heaven without unease. But you’ll be back, because as frightening and incomprehensible as eternity is, you would rather face it in consciousness instead of in the black and silent nothingness that would be it’s alternative.

This is why humans, all humans, are pre-programmed for trust in the Creator, whether we acknowledge it or not. We with our minuscule capacity for knowledge can only be immobilized by fear or comforted by faith.  Without this faith that something higher than we are will make everything all right, we are lost in our own home and afraid to leave it.

There are some who claim that when a person finds comfort in faith in God, that in itself is evidence of their delusion; in “real life” we don’t get what we want by wishful thinking, we get it by luck or hard work. But those with faith in God are functioning above and beyond this temporal, worldly life, and worldly measurements do not work there. On this higher plane we do get what we want by wishful thinking. It’s called prayer, and if we pray to be in sync with God’s master plan, we will of course be comforted. The mightiest prayer is “Lord, Your will is done – help me be content in that and I will have comfort in all things.”

The antidote for fear is faith. If you trust in the goodness of an all-wise and all-powerful Creator, what is left to fear?

9/20/09 Insights from Prayer          Lord, all I ask is that I do Your will in whatever form that takes. It doesn’t matter if that involves my pain – I can take any pain You give me because I know it’s for my good. But I’m human, and being human has sadness, and human sadness persists no matter how accepting I am.

So You know of the times when I can’t persevere; when I can’t live up to my sincerest desire to follow You without question. I know You’ll remain pleased with my desire to do Your will with gladness even if I fall short of perfection. It is the desire that pleases You. How well You know my limitations; that they don’t take a thing away from how You appreciate my abandonment of self.

What could I fear, if all is in the hands of my Creator? It’s when I fall short of perfect abandonment of my will in favor of Yours, dear God, that I’m in danger. That’s when I count on myself instead of on the Almighty. I never fear the loss of self-regard, because it means I have Your perfect help. What I fear is when I forget my fate is in Your hands and I take on something I can’t handle myself.

So help me make my desire more perfect; to accept with a smile the trials You must use toward this end. I want to be humble enough to invite You in without question and to say with all sincerity that whatever You present to me is good. I want to live so that no matter how I in my humanity perceive it, Your plan for me goes on good and glorious. Then I have no worry since, whatever comes, I’m fine with it.

8/20/09 Reflections              We’re so arrogant to think that just because we can’t understand a thing, that thing cannot be. Those who don’t know, or refuse to acknowledge, God’s master plan, cannot see beyond Earthly death, so they assume there’s nothing. Always we look at things with the imperfect eye of humanity, but because that’s all we know, we think there’s nothing else to know.

God is waiting for us with a life of perfect peace and joy. He isn’t offended when we don’t come to Him to claim it and then blame Him for the painful consequences of our inactions. He keeps it offered and he hopes for our acceptance, because that’s what’s good for us and what’s good for us is what God wants for us.

But we are afraid of faith the more science takes over our interests. We turn to science and away from spirituality when we need to satisfy ourselves that humans are in control. In the matter of death, we know we are not in control, but we place our hope in science to one day discover the fountain of youth. We would like science to discover a way for us to live forever. We hope for human control because we don’t understand divine manifestation.

Even if human control over death were possible, I would definitely want to opt out. Why would I want eternity on Earth when eternity in heaven is already offered?

6/30/09 Reflections        When I wonder why God doesn’t use me more than He does, it comes to me that I’m holding myself back by not fully accounting for my failings. While I’m diligent that I don’t go out and actively commit a sin, I may overlook the human weaknesses that can lead to sin or at least to prevent a perfect union with God.

I’m the type of person who has an inner view of themselves different from what they really are. My ego thinks I’m young at heart so I’m often shocked by a glimpse in a mirror that shows I’m older than I think I am. I suspect it’s the same with my personality – to myself I appear quiet and docile; others treat me as a commanding, even controlling, presence.

Spiritually, I’m either worried that I’m making myself into something I’m not, or amazed that I truly am a spiritually-obsessed person. Sometimes I feel like the holiest person I know; sometimes I think I’m a shameless fake. Amazingly, my commitment towards God never varies even in the thick of confusion.

There’s something extremely false about me that I can never pin down. Is God showing me how fragile my spirituality is, or am I just a person trying to talk themselves into thinking they’re better than they are? Are my motives pure, or just motives that I wish were pure? And where do they fit in, the times when I feel abased by my own worthlessness? Should someone who spends much time concerned with spiritual matters even strive to examine their human nature this way? Do we get confused and go wrong by mixing the two realms? Or is the disconnect between two natures something to be expected and accepted?

I thought I was pleasing God by ignoring my ego and not engaging in introspection. Now I’m wondering if introspection is actually what’s right for me this minute in God’s eyes.  As long as I feel there is something missing in my relationship with God that keeps me from being more useful in life, I owe it to myself and to God to discover what it is and ask for God’s help on it. So I open up my human nature for God to show me where I need to improve. It must be up to God, because I tend to falsely perceive my own image. I need the truth most urgently right now and I can get that only from God.

5/16/09 Insights from Prayer                   Lord, my life is good and for that I thank You from everything that is in my heart. Yet, for the very reason of my being blessed, I’m so willing to give something back that when You refuse my help it feels like rejection. I do understand that Your methods are better for us all than what I could come up with, and I’m happy to accept Your decision with inner peace. But deep down I still feel old and sick and isolated, which in turn convinces me that what I am able to do in Your name will not have widespread effectiveness. It may be merely human weakness, but knowing despair is a common failing doesn’t help it go away.

In my prayer I ask You to give me the words that will touch someone’s soul, so that seeing a bit of themselves in what I experience, they will seek a first-hand relationship with You for themselves. These are souls who will knock and have the door opened for them; who will ask for the very things You wish to give. I hope with all my heart that You have made this so.

Dear God, one of the most satisfying virtues is to be satisfied with what You provide. You keep reminding me of this every time I come up with an idea that You must refuse. I should be dismissive of what constitutes despair in my life – real despair in this matter would be knowing I’ve deliberately pushed You away to make room for something else to take Your place. Thank You, Lord, for the knowledge that there’s nowhere else to go and no need to go elsewhere anyway.

5/8/09 Spiritual Presentations          I’d had a headache for over a week, brought on by neck muscle problems. It wasn’t killing me, but the aspirin I had to take was going to cause harm eventually. Plus the longer constant pain goes on, the more I fall into a pit of despair. Last night I asked God to comfort me because I had had some bad news earlier, and I prayed that if He gave me relief from my headache I would take that as a sign that I was handling the bad news in a way that pleased Him. Instantly I relaxed and I did feel better and was able to fall back asleep.

This was in the early morning hours. When I got up for the day I thought that I wouldn’t be surprised if the headache was back, because things that happen in the night usually seem more dramatic than they do in the daylight. Finding I really did have no headache, I praised God in my wakeup prayers. It felt so good since the disappointing news had shot down royally something I had asked God for that I thought would bring Him glory, and I needed His special comfort then. And I was quite surprised that having specifically asked for a sign, I actually got it. I had assumed God would not appreciate being tested that way.

By the time of my morning devotions, doubt had already started to creep in. Could I have been having headache respites all along and put that in the back of my mind in favor of a miracle? Did I ask for a sign that God was still with me despite my recent setback, or did I just ask to be relieved from the headache? Did the headache go away just because talking to God relaxed me? Could the miracles I witness be proof only that I can control my pain using my mind? Or is pain itself a delusion I can let go of?

The point comes to me now – in any scenario I can think of, it’s actually God doing the work no matter how much input there seems to be on my side. It doesn’t matter how the headache came to be gone; the headache and the healing are both works of God designed for my benefit. Same with my bad news – what I wanted was not meant to be, but sometimes life’s hurts illustrate how blessed it is to go to God for comfort.

Here’s the thing about asking for a sign, and why I think God uses signs sparingly — we are never totally satisfied or fully convinced. I ask for a sign from the Divine, I get it, and still I doubt. For a person who believes with such certainty, my disbelief is enormous. This is a good lesson for me – to take what I’m given as proof of God’s love; to know that His ways are mysterious for a reason; to learn to heighten my belief by accepting everything as from God; to hold off judgment of others’ disbelief when my own is lurking stealthily beneath the surface. This lesson was worth the headache and could be the real sign for which I was searching.

3/24/09 Insights from Prayer                 Sometimes I feel like the greatest sinner of omission there ever was. I try to be sinless in my actions, but my inactions scream out their evil. What is it that I’m holding back from God? Why doesn’t He just tell me, rather than make me figure it out for myself? How do I push my ego aside completely when God counts on me to present His inspirations to those who are waiting for them?

Deep down I know I’ve been gifted with a healthy self-disregard, but duty requires action, and action looks like accomplishment even when I know it’s the result of God’s power only. My response tends to be inaction — if I do nothing I can remain humble, and God’s work through me remains pure. Then the disquiet arrives — I’m not doing enough!  If I keep bending back and forth looking for the right course on which to remain, might I not break from the strain? 

Dear God, in contemplation it’s easy to put myself in Your hands. I ask that I remain the object of Your generosity so that I may have plenty to give to others. But then when I lift my head, get up, and leave my place of prayer, I begin to feel that there’s something I should be doing to make things happen. For all my acceptance of Your work in me, I still feel incapable of any steps I must take myself, or of even discerning what those steps are. Is this my sin of omission? Or is it evidence of a small piece of human pride tainting the perfection of Your work? Either way, Lord, help me overcome my self. If I rely on myself too much, help me hold back. If I need to be doing more, help me know it and advance Your plan.